I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
