I cut my penus on the lid.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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