PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
