hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
