I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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