Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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