On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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