Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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