just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
