shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Every concussion has its silver lining
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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