I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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