Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
