Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
