sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
