You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
