You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
