I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
