you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
