i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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