You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
