Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
