I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
operation have a gay friend backfired
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
