i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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