I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
