So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
