oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
