I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Couch. On fire.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
