is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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