I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
