Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
