Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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