Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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