He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
