She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My vagina just clenched in fear
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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