Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
