I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
