I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
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I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
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When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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