When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
