Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
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Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
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just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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