i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
