Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
