I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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