I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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