In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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