I just saw a hot homeless man
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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