Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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