if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
