Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
