I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize