The maid of honor just puked.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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