you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
