i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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