P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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