Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
no, he came in my armpit
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
