I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
