Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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