then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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