Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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