im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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