There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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