I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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